Dead Pope New Pope, Red Light Green Light
We have a Summer Replacement Pope!
I have to admit. As I grow older and wiser, I find myself turning more and more to religion. Because that's the easiest way to scam old people out of their money.
So last week I joined the over one billion Catholics around the world in mourning the loss of yet another muttering old white guy in a robe who carried a golden rod with a medieval knob-crucifix S&M device on the top.
And like they (them?), I too am consoling myself with the thought that the Previous Pope is now up in Heaven selling hilarious nut-crunch videos of himself to Bob Saget.
The death of His Holiness Now Dead Pope Insert-Name-Here hit us hard. But we all knew Francis was on his way out cognitively after he okayed condom use for Wolf Blitzer’s sideburns. In an inexcusably insensitive move the media covered the dead Pope’s body location nonstop for days without once detailing the embalming process.
People lost their way and misplaced their priorities. Up was down, down was up. Chaos reigned. It got to the point where you couldn’t even Google “crucifixion porn” without getting spammed with pictures of the Bible. The Huffington Post's “Dead Pope Side-Boob Pics” weren’t even real. Yet throughout this great tribulation, the Bible still remained the biggest influence on my thinking: I virtually never beat my slaves without first consulting it. Even when signs of the Rapture began appearing everywhere, including on my vegan bacon.
Don't get me wrong. Like every good American Christian, I wake up every afternoon to thank Jesus for giving me the free will to worship Satan. AND criticize him at the same time. For only in America are we free to say, “Get thee from my bacon Satan!” It’s in the Constitution, read it.
So you can imagine how I thanked my Lucky Yahwehovahs there was another muttering old white guy in a robe just waiting in the wings to take whatshisname’s place. The slightly younger appearing Robert Prevost Leo XIV whatever. Hopefully Pope Leo XIV will continue bringing the Catholic Church into the modern era where we don’t have to use Roman numerals let alone understand them. And finally embracing science? Just think: if Jesus had access to drones back in the day he could've watched an overhead view of his own crucifixion.
As the New Pope said today, his election is both a cross and a blessing. He’ll have many new Privileges and Responsibilities. The most important being his exclusive access to Christ's 11 Secret Herbs and Spices.
So let’s give the New Pope a chance to prove himself. I don’t ask for much. I only have two rules for the next time he stays at my place:
1. No fucking on the dance floor.
2. No dancing on the fucking floor.
With that, I’ll leave any non-believers out there with these wise thoughts first prophesized in Revelations 12-24-16… Hike!
For as surely as Hemelahab did smite the flesh-loving Bogomils of Mo-ab, so too will a vengeful God surely lift and separate the soiled meat pillows of Satan’s harlot and sink your face into an infinite cleavage of misery. You’ve lingered far too long in the Carlsbad Caverns of sin. And soon the fuzzy-butted bats of Beezlebub will leave their gunnysack of guano on your doorstep. For today is the day that is the first day of the rest of your life. And soon we’ll be raptured up to Heaven to sit beside Jesus and his pet mongoose, Rex. Now let’s hit the LaBianca house!
You might also like Mourning Remembrance: A Collection of Mocking Obituaries.
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