Kristi Noem Hospitalized After Allergic Reaction to Possible Questions

Collapses after traumatizing close encounter with potential accountability

Both Kristi Noems were taken to a hospital in Washington D.C. where they were treated for- aw who gives a shit. At least they were off the streets, right?

Kristi Lynn Arnold Noem of South Dakota, the Republican armpit of North Dakota, was rushed to the hospital Tuesday after complaining about swollen lymph Noems and an alarmingly low count of white Habeas corpuscles.

Donald Trump’s Secretary of the Department of Homogenized Security was transported by ambulance through the streets of Washington D.C. to a local hospital. This was done out of “an abundance of caution” in case she might encounter feared rapists and unrepentant pet-eating immigrants on the way there.

The Mar-a-Lago faced gorgon remained under observation overnight while numerous Secret Service agents guarded the entrances in order to shield her from receiving more than the maximum allowable amount of exposure from brown-skinned medical personnel.

Noem’s low white Habeas corpuscle count as envisioned by Elon Musk’s xAI.

The 53 year-old South Dakotan, who’s had more work done on her face than Mount Rushmore, was reportedly going about her usual routine of following the example of Magda Goebbels when she was suddenly overtaken by an allergic reaction to accountability, or Delayed Question-Response Syndrome.

Experts speculate the attack probably resulted from last week’s near tragic interrogative from a California Senator with a suspiciously foreign sounding surname, as opposed to “Noem,” which sounds like a kitschy lawn ornament wearing a pointy red penis-hat.

Senator Alex Padilla. Seen here getting liposuctioned from the back of Kristi Noem’s unsightly press conference.

Doctors say the allergic reaction was initiated by the stress of pretending something wasn’t there when it really was. Like a senator asking questions. Or pretending the natural process of aging can be reversed by injecting airplane glue into your cheeks, realigning nostril cartilage with shark bone, and pumping mineral oil and flat-tire sealant into the buttocks to make them curvier.

Noem was confirmed on January 25 to her divine position as High Priestess of Xenophobic Hate with the courageous help of twelve Democratic Senators and one “Independent” from Maine, the world’s capital of people trying to hang themselves with shoelaces.

As South Dakota’s Governor, Noem opposed mask mandates during the pandemic while 5,000 Americans were dying every day from from evil spirits or mysterious swamp vapors, but certainly not from a highly contagious COVID virus capable of hurting Wall Street should workers ever decide to stay home and protect themselves for fuck’s sake.

Noem was released today on her own recognizance. She looks forward to making a complete recovery and returning to her official duties killing puppies, lying about meeting foreign leaders, and dragging what’s left of America’s democracy to her gravel pit for slaughter.

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