Iran's Cruel Threat to Close "Strait of Hormel" Terrifies Americans
Panicked public in peril over presumed Dinty Moore dearth
This morning, millions of Americans who couldn’t even find a picture of a map on a map of pictures of maps, mistakenly panicked at the prospect of Iran closing a body of water most of them didn’t even know existed, and instead transposed the word “Hormuz” with what appeared first in their lipid-clogged imaginations: that familiar comfort food and the most precious of bodily needs, “Hormel.”
Turns out the headlines weren't about restricting America’s preferred diet of Bold and Spicy Party Trays of Firecracker Pork Chop Canadian Bacon, Ham, Turkey Sausage, Pork Turkey, Turkey Ham, Pork Pork, Extra Pork Jr, and Dairy Pork Nuggets in a savory mayonnaise bed surrounded by Steve Garvey Liver Gravy with large chunks of real Dinty Moore recombinant DNA gallbladder cubes. It was all about another life-threatening oil.
Yes, it turns out the hubbub was all about Iran threatening to patrol their own back yard! OH MY GOD, NOOOOOOOO!
I mean, how dare a country known as "Persia" since the 6th century BC use drones and boats to patrol a place known as the "Persian Gulf" since the 6th century BC?
The misunderstanding was innocent enough I suppose. Especially considering how during his first term President Trump thought Iran had flying gunboats and ordered his puzzled navy to “shoot down and destroy” them.
Not one to admit an obvious fuckup, Trump then ordered the Air Force to sink any planes they might find sailing in the area.
What’s the bigger idiocy here: the belief that Trump inherited a strong economy from Obama or Trump thinking he could shoot down an Iranian ship?
Personal note. For years all I wanted out of life was to be recognized for my pioneering work in the field of fecal transplants even though I’m not a doctor, never been to medical school and operate out of an abandoned Fotomat kiosk.
But now every morning instead of following my dreams, I find myself using the Defense Department's collateral death algorithm to estimate how many civilians might die as a result of me paying my taxes and being Amurikan.
So what’s the argument for the war against Iran?
Because we must not allow a flying carpet gap.
Because the hostage crisis wasn’t humiliating enough.
Because America won’t be satisfied until the rest of the world seeks asylum from our foreign policy and we deport them back to different countries so we can bomb them again.
Who cares, right? Congress could accuse Iran of firing on Fort Sumter and sooner or later most Americans would believe it. Read some Noam Chomsky before he dies. 1
Tragically, right now our only barriers against World War III are genocide apologist Chuck Schumer, who just weeks ago taunted Donald Trump for not doing what he’s doing now…
…and the valiant efforts of the Demo-Centrist-Crat party. They would have to enact legislation undoing the infamously stupid bipartisan Authorization for Use of Military Force of 2001. But let’s face it, when it comes to anything that substantial, Democrats couldn’t pass a Kaopectate-Prune smoothie, proving once again that the only thing worse than a Republican is a Democrat who says they’re not a Republican.
Oh sure, Iran’s announcement about the Strait of Hormuz raises important questions: Has Iran closed it before? Can they now? Who gets the oil? Why the fuck are you still driving huge trucks and SUVs that only get 15 miles to the gallon while the world is burning, you fucking death-cult sick fucks?
Just A Reminder: You’ll never get this kind of impeccably sourced, AI-generated garbage visuals, and award-losing winning insight from failing cable network corporate legacy news media with all their manic-gesticulating, shellacked hair anchors. Nor from “Chief Foreign Correspondent”s like Richard Engel, whose war reports are worse than witnessing your meth-addled little brother jerking off to Soldier of Fortune Magazine.
So for crap’s sake on a popsicle stick, why not initiate a paid subscription today? And see exactly how much dedication I have to pumping out more verbal sewage on a regular basis even though I’d rather move to Holland, tend to my imaginary garden and ride a three-speed to the Van Gogh Museum cause everything’s totally fucked here.
So until next time, this is Insert Fake Name Here leaving you with this inspiring poem:
Learn
from yesterday.
Live
for today.
Hope
for tomorrow.
Crap
in a barrel.
In 2019 CBS, ABC, NBC, NPR were leading the call for war with Iran with the lie they broke the nuclear deal that we broke first.
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This reads like if Hunter S. Thompson, Chomsky, and a can of Dinty Moore had a nervous breakdown together. (Just another Sunday).
Yes, it’s all ridiculous.
But also, yes, Iran has the strategic and historical right to patrol its own waters, and yes, Americans will absolutely rally around war based on a Foxified Mad Libs of bad intel, pork panic, and loose biblical justification.
When satire is this unhinged and still more coherent than most political/world news coverage, that says everything.
We laughed. We winced. We sighed.
And we’re still waiting for someone appointed by Trump to remember how to spell “oversight.”
the bad news is that actual docs are now not certain that fecal transplants are as great as we once thought, The good news is I'm sure you can get RFK Jr to promote it online and become rich enough to worry that your hams might not make it to Iran.