What's that in the sky? It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's...Adult Diaperman!
America's Incontinent in Chief can’t wait to christen his imported “Deuce Goose.”
Qatar’s filthy oil-rich1 slave labor auto-crappic gift to President Poopy Pants of a skeezy, 15 year-old $400 million fecal-ketchup, fart-stinkin’2 Magic-Bullet shaped rape-blender-in-the-sky is stirring up quite a lot of people’s shits lately.
Just imagine what that flying experience must be like for an administration full of anti-maskers.
“So, if you take, like, armpits, ketchup, makeup and a little butt, it’s probably like that, all mixed up.” - Former GOP Rep. Adam Kinzinger describing Trump’s Precious Bodily Essence Fluids.
NOTE: The crapproversy swirling counter-clockwise around President Trump’s alleged odor and incontinence issues has persisted for years. Are the sources: former Republican Rep. Adam Kinzinger, and Noel Casler, six-season veteran of Celebrity Apprentice, reliable? Have their claims been rigorously fact checked as much as journalistically possible?
For context, we must remind ourselves that during the entire run of the legendary documentary television series, “Mister Ed,” the show never questioned nor tried to comprehend Mister Ed's ability to speak. It was just an accepted thing. The one time Wilbur did express any confusion on the matter, Mister Ed gently pressed his hoof against Wilber’s lips, and explained, "Don't try. It's bigger than both of us!"
So yes, there is a power bigger than all of us. There are known knowns. And knowns unknown to us that we shall never know. But if there is one thing humanity can realize automatically as fact based purely on common sense and instinct: it’s Donald Trump probably smells like bad sex inside a 16th century shithouse covered in donut grease.3
So far, TrumpQatar’s flying emoluments violation has been the most entertaining distraction away from America’s perpetual pandemic denialism, the heartwarmingly bipartisan genocidal rampage we’re funding in Gaza, and that pesky mass climate-change extinction thing about to explode just yards outside every nihilist dimwit’s gated, cult commune.
But not to worry: Qatar's media attaché, Ali Al-Ansari, said dumping this gaudy turdo-jet, er the transfer of this aircraft, was for "temporary use." Or at least until Trump can take possession of the electric CyberJet Elon Musk promised him.
Critics say the used jet may require buttloads of stinky-ketchup American tax-dollar retro-farting to bring the palatial poop ship up to security standards.
"Air Force One is designed to be survivable in all kinds of environments, including a nuclear war,"
…said Mark Cancian, senior adviser with the Security Department for Bodily Fluid Functions…
“But damage from an unrelenting barrage of Wendy’s diverticulosis gas-bombs delivered deep within the mucosal fudge-folds of Trump’s 25-foot poop-silo? Unknowable.”
Trump said the plane will be transferred to his presidential library at the end of his second term. There it will sit beside a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket full of Adderall and the complete collection of Nancy and Sluggo.
Aviation sources say numerous improvements to the plane's security and defense systems must be made before it’s suitable for its Presidential cargo:
The craft may require fighter jet accompaniment for midair effluent pumping, separation of any solids from liquids, and emergency effluent dispersal over our nation’s ponds, lakes, dams, reservoirs, rivers, parklands and food supplies.
The president must reassure Chemtrail conspiracy fans that he isn’t trying to control their thoughts using miniature clouds of condensed fecal matter.
Strategic Mocha Latte tanks in the wings will require new baffles to prevent dangerous sloshing during steep banking and feeding maneuvers.
The Qatari jumbo jet will have to be dismantled part by part to ensure there are no listening devices that could allow foreign powers to eavesdrop on the president’s bowel movements during an electro-magnetic pulse attack.
Quarters will need to be added for White House medical staff, the Secret Service, Emergency Seat-Cushion Cleaning Personnel, teams of toilet repair staff, and two months supply of ShamWow Shit Soaking Swiffers™.
Installing the new systems could push the project into the 2030s, well into the Dr. Oz administration.
And that will truly be…THE END.
You might also like Mourning Remembrance: A Collection of Mocking Obituaries.
And for entrancing collage art and disturbing satirical vocal interpretations of horrible politicians, subscribe to Martha Previte! and watch Melania Trump unveil in the White House.
And buy my disturbing book by clicking on this evil link!
The veracity of these claims has not yet been subjected to a rigorous evaluation based on double blind, randomized placebo-controlled crossover trials. Scientists believe it would be unethical to expose large case-control or cohort participants to such hazards.
You have me cracking up so hard this morning, which I desperately need after the House betrayed my family. Thank you so, so much for the laughs!