Happy July 4th!
And Fuck This Disgusting Holiday
As you probably already know from my LinkedIn page, I’m an “ambitionizing independent creative who likes to unpackage knowledge management templates and promotize value-providing content amplifiers to targetize symbiotic content effectors, end-product validators and people who like to strangle cats.”
And on this sacred day, like I assume every red-blooded American is doing, I am giving pause and thanks for the 1619 AD birthday of Flemish sculptor Alexander von Papenhoven, even though it occurred 10 days after the 4th. Because that’s just how much the Fourth of July means to me.
Papenhoven’s “Waitress Cradling Champagne Bottle Topped With Crystal Wine Crown Beverage Bottle Stopper” circa 1708.
Because celebrating America’s independence day just after this country rolled over to fascism like a beached walrus is akin to joyfully commemorating a second dose of syphilis. But with explosives, gunshots and exploding cat-crackers. And the topper: our so-called opposition party helped infect you every step of the way. So, yay! More sparklers!
The only reason we’ve been abandoned to fight like animals for food, clean water and healthcare is because Democrats don’t fight for anything but their retirement and the promise of lobbying careers. The last time they fought for us was during the Roosevelt administration. And even then it was at the threat of revolution.
Funn tip! What's the best way to protect your pets from July 4th trauma? Overthrow the government.
Meanwhile, Republicans are doing what they always said they wanted to do: extracting every ounce of life from their voluntarily lobotomized feudal class while democrats feed them human beings like pap. “Blue no matter who” became the last line of a suicide note Democratic voters seem incapable of learning from. And the result was a derangement in this country not seen since the advent of disco.
"The Fourth of July really brings out the best in people." - Nobody
The ancient Greeks defined "tyranny" (tyrannia) as the illegitimately gained rule over a state and its people through the power of wealth. So what exactly are you "celebrating" today besides blowing shit up and clogging your aortas with tortured animal remnants?
America is a loose confederation of prisons, tanning salons, amusement parks, coal mines and gun factories- copiously dotted with memorials and cemeteries. It’s a representative Republic faux-democracy populated by serial killers, rapists and male-pattern baldness repeat offender maniacs.
I get how powerless American voters can feel when their only recourse against trillion dollar monopolies like Amazon is to “promo-code Jeff Bezos a new asshole.”1
Loud bangs, thick yellow smoke, the stink of sulfur, frightened pets. July 4th is a lot like a Laura Loomer Dutch oven.
90-100 million Americans feel too pissed, screwed and abandoned to vote every election. Is that due to a low attention span or just insight?
I find it impossible to believe that had Bernie Sanders run as an Independent against both parties in 2016, 2020 and 2024, how things could have ended up worse than they are now.
Sanders actually swayed Republican Trump voters in both elections. Clinton, Biden and Harris? Loud fart-noise novelty smoke ball explosions followed by resounding “Yaaaaay! Light the Keystone Thunder Bombs!”
Then Sanders did what Democrats ordered him to do: he abandoned his presidential efforts and fully supported the party even though it was clear the 2016 primaries were rigged against him. And in 2020 Obama and the irritating James “Insurance Industry” Clyburn formed a Coalition of Tone-Deaf Unethical Nihilistic Boneheads to wreck his 2020 campaign.
You really want to “undermine” our democracy? Let two former DNC chairpersons, one former DNC deputy chairman, one former Democratic Senate Majority Leader, and one current Senator Elizabeth Warren all publicly confess the 2016 primaries were "rigged"… and then do nothing about it.2
Bernie was right all along. He was also dumb stupid-wrong all along: he never should have surrendered to Hillary in the 2016 election without real and substantial concessions. “But I don’t want to be blamed for a Trump’s victory” is not a goddamn defense, you putz. Look what happened anyway.
Oh sure, I’ll vote during the midterms. If they happen. But only in the spirit of some desperate gambler buying a lotto ticket.
But don’t despair. Usually during especially trying times like these I find myself turning to religious cults or pyramid schemes for guidance. But it’s not all gloom and doom. On this wondrous occasion we still have some positive points to focus on and hopes for the future, among them being:
An “explosive increase” of ticks in the south-eastern states that cause meat allergies. You know where I’m going here.
No president before Donald Trump has ever been able to display so clearly why the world hates our guts. So there’s that.
There’s still time to neutralize the patriarchy by forcing male politicians to pick between poverty or castration.
It’s July 4th in America! And you’re still free to cram a Roman Candle up your ass and whistle Dixie.
July 4th is that special time of year when that guy across the street accidentally launches a rocket into his neighbor's house and then turns off his lights to hide from the cops. Just like Thomas Jefferson did 249 years ago!
Sure, another 17 million will lose healthcare and we’re still funding a genocide neither party gives a shit about. But we can still take comfort that Joe Biden gave five family members blanket pardons.
So until next time, please enjoy more of my comedy content, or Comtent™. My Comtent™, or Brand Fuel, engages early adopter premise-leaders by leveraging core competencies and ideating crowd-source line-up elements so as to embiggen my Klout score cromulentation. And light a Roman Candle up your ass just in case.
For entrancing collage art and disturbing satirical vocal interpretations of horrible politicians, subscribe to Martha Previte!
You might also like my Substack collection of mocking obituaries. Find a shovel and dig into Stephen Miller’s Future Obituary.
And buy my disturbing book of mocking obituaries by clicking on this evil link:
That’s not a real quote. I made that up.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid admitted the DNC didn’t give Sanders a “fair deal.
Former chair of the DNC Donna Brazile. Described how the DNC and Hillary Clinton rigged the primaries against the only candidate capable of beating Donald Trump.
Senator Elizabeth Warren: “The process was rigged and now it is up to Democrats to build a new process, a process that really works and works for everyone.”
Former deputy chairman of the DNC Keith Ellison.
Former DNC chair Tom Perez.
Johnson Administration. Yeah, he fucked up bigtime in Vietnam, but there wouldn’t have been a Voting Rights Act for the Roberts SCROTUS to gut without the old racist. I’d say he atoned for at least one or two of those n-words he was so fond of uttering. Kind of like Jimmy Carter spending the rest of his life building houses for poor people, no?
Feels like a funeral day. Even the parade in small town Iowa was light on the candy tossing. Some Rep guy gave away little flags but i declined.